“Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep”

I shared with someone at our grief support group that there will come a day when her son’s death was not the last thing she thought of at night and the first thing she thought of in the morning. She asked me, “When? When will that happen.” I answered, “I don’t know.” Although I don’t think about Bobby first thing when I wake up; after a year, he’s still the last thing I think of at night.
I’ve always had difficulty falling asleep, so I’ll think about something that makes me happy; maybe a peaceful place I’ve visited or a happy memory. That exercise has become difficult, since so many memories include my entire family. I still become sad that he’s not an active part in our lives. This is what the experts call getting used to a new normal.
On the flip side, though, I had a watershed moment this week. I had lunch with a business associate, and of course, talk turned to the question: How many children do you have? I was able to answer “Just a daughter,” without stumbling or needing to explain. That’s a first! I am celebrating this small victory.

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One thought on ““Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep”

  1. Jane – I understand. I didn’t loose a child but I lost my father last October. I miss being able to call him just about nothing just being able to talk to someone who understands what life is like in chronic pain. There is so much I want to be able to do but I have this ‘thorn’ in my flesh that always reminds me of my dependance on God for medication and help. Larry left this earth after going through a whole summer of kidney dialysis so he died of renal failure. It was nice to visit Sacramento and see familiar faces. It was bizarre going to the funeral home and seeing my father laying in a casket. I went in to see him because I needed to have the finality that he was really gone. I have gone to a therapist and she is helping me with ideas and plans for my life. I haven’t really had a job in a couple years. Well, I haven’t had a full time job since the day before the car accident; September 3, 1999.

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